Shame and Techniques for Exploration

The school bell rings. The first day of school is about to start. Children are instructed to sit down at their desks as class is about to begin. For some, this is an exciting day full of possibilities. But, for Jane this day will mark the start of a repeating cycle of shame.

The morning was tense for Jane and full of doubt and dread. Will she make any friends? Will she be able to pass her tests? Will the other kids like her? A growing sense of fear and anxiety spreads in little Jane as she sits in her classroom chair. She begins to perspire and think about the pressure building in her belly. Several drops of urine fall on the floor. She feels her face and neck getting hot as blood rushes to her cheeks. Soon, a yellow puddle forms beneath her chair. She begins to hear whispers and giggles from children sitting behind her. She felt her body freeze. Someone says, “Look, Jane peed herself!” She wants to run and hide, but realizes that everyone will see a wet mark on her clothes. The growing laughter all around her and the teacher calling her name causes her body to tense and her breathing to shorten. Frozen body, inflamed cheeks and the ridicule of peers become an eternal reminder of her first day at school.

Definition of shame 

Psychology: shame

n. a highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances (American Psychological Association [APA], 2023).

Shame is an interactional/relational emotion. It is a type of fear that occurs when a person perceives that he or she has contributed that some important person thinks unfavorably about them. An emotion that occurs in a situation when, with some of our behavior or words, we deviate from the role we have created for ourselves. The role through which we successfully interact in the social world. The moment when we contribute to our own downfall in somebody’s eyes, that is the moment of shame arising.

It is an emotion that tells us that others do not see us the way we see and wish to see ourselves.

Development of shame

Shame is a self-conscious emotion that arises around the 18th month of our existence and keeps developing until our 2nd and 3rd year. When a newborn child's ability to recognize themselves and to evaluate themselves, is introduced to social rules and lists of do’s and don’ts, then we have a nice playground for the development of shame.

Shame can only exist in a social context requiring other people (or, our memory and imagination of other people) to form and be felt.

The story of shame starts in early childhood, soon after we become aware of ourselves as beings, and we begin gaining the feeling and knowing, that we are and that we exist. The feeling through which we recognize ourselves as separate from other people, including our parents.

At an early age we get a set of instructions for what is inappropriate in the social world, and how we ought to behave in all areas of that new big, open space for us, when we are so little in comparison. Shame is created when we learn social rules that should serve us to find the best route while being in contact with other people. The mental and emotional space, between the picture that we have of ourselves and internalized social norms is the place for the shadow of shame. Evaluation of match or disproportion between the role we play and rules from society is the measurement of the shame.

Norms are first communicated through words and behaviors, from our parents, telling us that we should not do certain things because we will not be good boys and girls. The child, through repetition of rules and reactions of important people, finds out that others will not see them in good light if they do not follow those instructions. We learn that other people will not like/love us If we say or do certain things. If we did a good social learning job at that early age, now we know where we should not take our pants off, where not to yell and laugh loudly, how to politely say hi to our neighbors and much more. We learn social rules through feedback from our important others. After we collected some norms from our parents and siblings, we get more of them through observation of other people, our friends, culture, media, etc. Through our contemplation of what is applauded to and what is rejected, we ourselves understand what we should lean towards a happier life, with other human beings, and get validation in this world. At this point we have created a large database from which our shame can sparkle when it is necessary.

The role of shame – benefits and drawbacks

The value of emotions in the experience of being human is to enrich our lives, but that is just one of the benefits. Another one is that they are our compass for all the elements of our inner and outer world. They are our information center which tells us a lot of things. Fundamentally, emotions tell us what to come closer to, what to move away from, where to go and which way to take in general.

Through our human and social history, being a part of a group was a sure ticket for survival and staying alive. Knowing what others/majority of people will accept, approve and like will give us more success on our journey to create ties between us and others. Knowing what is beneficial for the majority and survival or the development of society constitutes social norms and rules. These norms serve to organize our ideas, thoughts, behavior and to influence our emotions. To feel shame, we always need norms and rules.

The role of shame is to tell us how to do things and how to present ourselves so that we can get validation and make connections in the social world. It allows us to adopt values. Shame whispers or screams how we should be and what we should do, so that others accept us as a part of the group. We want to be accepted, loved, appreciated, and not rejected and despised.

At its best, shame signalizes that we deviate from the picture and the role we have and as a painful reminder, it gives us strong information that we need to correct something in the way we act or present ourselves. Shame directs us toward specific corrections. At its worst it signalizes that something is deeply wrong within us and becomes debilitating. In that case, it has no purpose to correct, but only serves as a deep invalidation of important parts of our personality. When that happens, our signal board does not do a good job of directing us in interactions. To change this, we require a process of transformation, which includes questioning our internal values and norms that we gathered and adopted, along the way.

Body-focused repetitive behaviors and shame

Body-focused repetitive behaviors are one of the coping mechanisms we may adopt to deal with shame when we don’t know how to interpret and process the corrections it nudges us toward. At the same time, shame may arise as a consequence of struggling with a body-focused repetitive behavior!

BFRBs help us with internal regulation of different emotions and states. Signs of our self-regulation may become visible on our bodies. The damaged skin, scars, hair loss and infections are there as a companion of something that is important to us, but then it becomes a source of our shame. What serves us, what helps our self-regulation, creates a new challenge. How do we see ourselves with bodily imperfections of this kind, and how others see us? How do we imagine that others see our exposed bodies? The feeling of shame that can appear in those moments says that something is wrong with us, that others will think unfavorably of us, that it will have consequences for our relationships, love, friendships, business, relatives. Fear becomes a part of our reality. Fear and rejection of our bodies leads to withdrawal and a need to hide. Our previously adopted norms about how our bodies should look and our perception of how we looked before, stabs us from the inside and tells us that we are in the red zone now and not where we should be, in our pride and self-acceptance. Pride, self-love and self-acceptance become very distant, because we look at our internal body and beauty standards and see a great distance. We hear our shame every time we see that discrepancy. How to get to where we feel we must be, when we have all those new changes on our bodies? Why do we create those changes and then suffer even greater? Why do we not have repetitive behaviors?

Our bodies, except that we want them to be beautiful or attractive to others in some way, have other functions and logic. Our psyche as well. Our body and our psyche are there to succeed in the most important task and that is to keep us alive. When we know the priority of our body and our mental world, we can conclude that self-soothing and regulation of our emotions, when we cope with challenges in the outer world, will be our first priority. Self-preservation will always be the most important goal among all other “achievements”, because if we do not survive, then all other needs will be irrelevant without our existence. In relation to that, with the understanding that body-focused repetitive behaviors are helping our self-preservation and currently they may be the best way to cope with problems, we may slightly understand their importance and significance for our psyche. That may help us to see shame, and our skin changes, as momentary companions while we are doing the best we can, in our attempt to conquer the obstacles and assessments that life puts in front of us. The ways that we have now for reducing suffering don’t have to be our final destination, with repetitive behaviors and shame, those are just our transportation vehicles until we find better ways.

There is an expression that all roads lead to Rome. In this case, Rome can be intense, unpleasant and sometimes, unbearable emotions. The paradox here is that when we enter shame, it can be so debilitating that we need to do something just to get away from that pile of suffering. Then, we will come back to our ways of self-regulation, the safe ways that we already know. We will run straight to our BFRB. But when we combine these two - BFRB as a way of self-regulating and the debilitating shame as an invitation to transformation of our values/ norms, we can take another step too. As a result of hearing our shame, we may receive invitation to transform our way of self-regulations that we used so far, into something even better for us!

Many things have their substitute, replacement and a path to transformation. If we open ourselves for that to be true, when it comes to repetitive behaviors, we may find a new moment of inspiration. There are some questions we may ask ourselves in the moment of relaxation that may spark our creativity and interest:

-          Can we do something else as a replacement of something we are already doing?

-          What will happen if we do not focus on how to stop doing something, but rather on the start of doing something else?

-          What else can we pull, pressure, tear apart instead of our skin and hair, that may give us enough relief or pleasure?

-          How else can we lower the intensity of unpleasant emotions?

-          How can we release unpleasant emotions from our body?

-          How can we protect ourselves from over stimulation?

Thinking in terms of protection, releasing, replacement and new start, may lead us to a new tool kit we can bring wherever we go.

Some of the techniques that may become part of your tool kit:

Move it out

Feel your body. Detect where the feeling of shame is most intense. Now try to move that part of the body. What comes to your mind when you think: where should I move? What will be satisfying for your body now? Should you move your legs, left, right? Should you walk in a circle? Or do you want to stretch? Maybe to squeeze that part as much as you can? What about bending? Let your affected body part direct your ideas on where to move and how to move. Keep moving and developing more movements from the first ones. Keep expanding movements to other body parts that were not previously included. You can even introduce music to all of this, but remember! This is not a dance class, even though it can become one, if you feel like it. Move, move, move until you recognize that is enough, or you feel exhausted.

It is shame not to have a little magic

The shame is here again. Let us try one relieving ritual. Take a blank paper and write down the sentences that are on your mind while you feel ashamed. Write them all down!! As many as you want. Now, let us make this burning flame inside of you be burned outside. Create a fire-safe environment and burn the paper. Try to observe how those hurtful words are becoming ashes. How does that feel now?

Invisible shield

This exercise should be done when you are not experiencing shame acutely, but you are just preparing, as a good warrior, for future times. Sit or lay down in a comfortable position. Now try to remember, where in the body do you feel shame the most. We are now crafting the invisible shield for you. After you have the place on your body that needs protection the most, let us pick size and materials for our shield.

Imagine, in your mind, what would be the best material that can protect you. Is it steel, metal, nano treads, stone? Do you want a magnetic shield? Think of all of it as a game, and it is all for free - you can afford anything you want. Now, when you choose the material, let us get a shape too. How big do you want it to be? Do you want a pointy one, triangular, oval or something else? Now stay with it. With your newly created idea. Stay with the feeling that you choose something for your own protection. Let it be clear in your mind as a picture. Try to sense how it feels in the body now that you are protected. Pause and stay in that feeling of being protected.

After we did this, now is the time for usage. Every time you are in a situation that is about to tingle your shame, please remember your protection and shield. Do not be afraid to use it! Not in a physical sense, obviously, but with your mind. Imagine your invisible shield between your body and that situation you are in. Between you and people that expose you to it. See how those arrows, that our perception catches, cannot pass through your shield. Remember you picked the best protective material! In those stressful situations, there is now something that stands between you, your body and others. You are not exposed with your bare hands! You are armed!

Shaping our shame

Pause for a moment. Turn your attention from the outside stimulation, people, situation, surroundings to your body sensation. Try to find out where you feel shame in your body. Is it in the head, arms, legs, belly? Is it everywhere? Where is it the strongest? Try to rate that intensity from 1 to 10. Then, try to see what that feeling sensation looks like. Is it tingling? Is it pressure? Is it burning? Is it like cutting knives or is it a squeeze? After you have information about the location, the intensity and how you feel that feeling, try to give it a shape too. What shape would be the most likely? What comes to your mind first when you want to give a shape of an object to your feeling of shame. Would that be a gigantic ball, burning flame, or numerous needles?

How do you feel after you gave a shape, intensity and location of your shame?

Can you name it now? Just for the sake of fun, games and familiarity.

Now try to imagine that shape in your mind. Try to make it to the smallest size in your imagination. How does that feel? Try to imagine that you are putting that object next to yourself, on a table, on the floor, in your backpack, in your pocket.

Tips – Every time when you are in a situation that stimulates a response of shame, try to locate it in the body! Pay close attention to the map of shame in your body. Then try to remember the name and the shape you gave it. Track how that feels. Try to remember that you can sometimes put it outside of your body, with the help of your mind. Try to remember that you do not have to keep it in your chest, on top of your head, in your legs and arms, all the time. Just maybe, for some time, you can put it in your pocket too. It will be with you, but not so intimately.

Feel it, draw it

When you are in contact with shame, and the situation allows, take a piece of paper, colors and pens. Let us give an artistic expression to the internal experience. Try to draw your emotion. Do not pay attention to your drawing skills and the quality of achievement. The only quality we are aiming for, is the quality of connection between you and emotion. Pick colors randomly, those that attract you the most and correspond the best with how you feel. The same goes for shapes that will be drawn on the paper. Sometimes, it will be an animal, nature or a human figure. Other times it may be just a line with no apparent meaning. It does not matter! This is a game with no rules.

After you do it, pay attention to your body and how it feels. Has the feeling lessened inside, now that you have put it out in the external world?

This is an exercise that can be done countless times. The only limitations are your papers and pens.